


Oh, Tony: A Fanmix

by Tito11



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Drabble Collection, F/M, Fanmix, M/M, PTSD, References to Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2017-12-16 10:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tito11/pseuds/Tito11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony's a scientist and a flirt and his father's son. He's a train wreck, and a mess, and he never thinks he's good enough. Sometimes, he's a woman. It doesn't matter what he is in the end, because there are always way too many emotions for him to even deal with. But that's why music was invented.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh, Tony: A Fanmix

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this isn’t an update. This isn’t even fic. Instead, it’s a bunch of drabbles set to this [Tony Stark playlist](http://www.mediafire.com/?vac0k73do8ava) I’ve been updating on my ipod since 2008. Sorry lol

1\. Hurt” by Johnny Cash

_What have I become_  
 _My sweetest friend_  
 _Everyone I know goes away  
 _In the end__

_And you could have it all_  
 _My empire of dirt  
 _I will let you down  
 _I will make you hurt__ _

He gives Pepper the company, the empire he’s built on death and destruction, but he knows it won’t last. She’s good for him, his best friend in the world, and she’s beautiful, too. She won’t stay, though, Tony knows. No one ever does. Everyone Tony’s ever known has left him, eventually. It’s his own fault, he knows. He drives people away. He’s abrasive and destructive. He hurts people. No one, not even Pepper, will be able to stand it forever. Maybe not today, but one day, he’ll hurt her, and then she’ll leave him. They always do, in the end.

2\. “She’s Always a Woman to Me” by Billy Joel

_She only reveals what she wants you to see  
 _She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me_ _

_She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you  
 _She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe_ _

_Ohhh... she takes care of herself_  
 _She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time  
 _Ohhh... and she never gives out  
 _And she never gives in, she just changes her mind__ _

_She'll bring out the best and the worst you can be_

_She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel_  
 _She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool  
 _And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree__

Toni’s got a mask she wears in public, hides behind it like a child. She’s a woman, though, and don’t think Steve hasn’t noticed. He knows he could love her, if she gave him the chance. She won’t though, or at least not by choice. She’s so smart it hurts, a woman of the future, but she’s clueless, too, oblivious. She never takes anything Steve says at face value, not even that he loves her. And she can be moody, kind one minute and cruel the next. Despite all that, though, she’s a woman, and Steve loves her for it.

3\. “You Are a Runner and I Am My Father’s Son” by Wolf Parade

_I am my father's son_  
 _His bed is made  
 _I was a hero  
 _Early in the morning  
 _I ain't no hero  
 _In the night____ _

_You are a runner  
 _And I am my father’s son_ _

Steve looks at Tony and sees Howard. Tony looks in the mirror and sees a failure.  
Steve says, “I knew your father, he was a good man.” Tony says, “Fuck you.”  
Steve thinks, how can this be the son of the man I admired so much? How can this be the hero Iron Man? Tony thinks, everything bad about my father is inside me. The only thing I have is Iron Man, but I’m no hero. And Steve, he’ll never stay.  
Steve tells Tony, once he realizes, how different he is from Howard. Tony smiles, but will never believe it.

4\. “The Scientist” by Willie Nelson

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry_  
 _You don't know how lovely you are  
 _I had to find you, tell you I need you  
 _Tell you I set you apart__ _

_Nobody said it was easy_  
 _It's such a shame for us to part  
 _Nobody said it was easy  
 _No one ever said it would be this hard  
 _Oh, take me back to the start__ __

_I was just guessing at numbers and figures_  
 _Pulling the puzzles apart  
 _Questions of science, science and progress  
 _Do not speak as loud as my heart__ _

“Steve,” Tony calls through closed door. “Steve, I’m sorry, come on, I wasn’t serious.”  
Steve yanks open the door, looking seriously pissed. Tony takes a step back reflexively, because, hey there’s a whole lot of raw strength in those nice-looking arms, and he could probably take Tony’s head off with one swipe. Not that he would, but still.  
“I’m not one of your experiments, Tony,” Steve says, but he sounds more sad than angry. “Our relationship isn’t science.”  
“I know,” Tony tells him. “That’s why I keep fucking it up. Can I come in?”  
Steve sighs, but steps aside, anyway.

5\. “Great Expectations” by The Gaslight Anthem

_And I learned about the blues from this kitten I knew._  
 _Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb.  
 _My heart's like a wound.__

_I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my first wife._  
 _Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you.  
 _I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my old life.  
 _Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?__ _

Even after they start sleeping together, Tony doesn’t let himself get attached. He’s been down this road before, with Pepper, and he can still see the lights of her plane, taking off, going west, as far away from him as possible while still on the continent. Steve’s not Pepper, he knows, but everyone leaves eventually. His heart, even with the reactor in it, it just wasn’t made for things like emotions, and Steve’ll realize it soon enough, then he’ll be gone, too. Just like Pepper is. So Tony doesn’t get attached, because he can’t stand the sight of plane lights.

6\. “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson

_I will not make_  
 _The same mistakes that you did  
 _I will not let myself  
 _Cause my heart so much misery__ _

_I will not break_  
 _The way you did, you fell so hard  
 _I've learned the hard way  
 _To never let it get that far__ _

_Because of you_  
 _I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
 _Because of you  
 _I learned to play on the safe side  
 _So I don't get hurt__ __

_Because of you_  
 _I find it hard to trust  
 _Not only me, but everyone around me  
 _Because of you, I am afraid__ _

_I'm forced to fake_  
 _A smile, a laugh, every day of my life  
 _My heart can't possibly break  
 _When it wasn't even whole to start with__ _

_I watched you die, I heard you cry_  
 _Every night in your sleep  
 _I was so young, you should have known  
 _Better than to lean on me  
 _You never thought of anyone else  
 _You just saw your pain____ _

_And now I cry, in the middle of the night, for the same damn thing_  
 _Because of you  
 _I tried my hardest just to forget everything  
 _Because of you  
 _I don't know how to let anyone else in  
 _Because of you  
 _I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
 _Because of you, I am afraid______ _

Tony grew up watching his mother cry. She didn’t care if he saw her, just like she didn’t care when his father slapped him around. She perfected the art of not caring, but Tony knew it was an act, like the mask his father wore in public, the proud-father-happy-husband mask. Tony vows, when he’s still young enough to believe in promises, that he’ll never let himself get hurt like that. He doesn’t realize until later, much later in life, that never getting hurt means never getting loved, either. It doesn’t matter, though. Tony Stark will never break.

7\. “Maria” by Blondie

_She moves like she don't care_  
 _Smooth as silk, cool as air  
 _Ooh, it makes you wanna cry__

_She doesn't know your name_  
 _And your heart beats like a subway train  
 _Ooh, it makes you wanna die__

_Won't come in from the rain_  
 _She's oceans running down the drain  
 _Blue as ice and desire__

_She's like a millionaire_  
 _Walking on imported air  
 _Ooh it makes you wanna die__

Toni’s a firecracker, and that’s for sure. She’s like no woman Steve’s ever met before. When she walks into the room, all dolled up, men stop and stare, fall all over her. Sometimes they call out things to her, both rude and flattering, but even though it makes Steve blush, she never even seems to hear them. She walks like she’s worth every penny she has, and men should swoon at her feet. Steve likes her like this, but it’s not until he sees her filthy in the lab after one of her benders that he really falls in love.

8\. “Oh, Industry” by Bette Midler

_I am the captain and this is my shrine_  
 _Lord of the manor, see what I leave behind  
 _River in flames, cities on fire  
 _Yes, I'm a relic trapped in the wire__ _

_Hydrogen fuel, it burns so clean_  
 _Throbs in the veins, a mother lovin' machine  
 _She is my wife, her mechanical heart  
 _Constantly serving 'til death do us part__ _

Steve dreams of fire, spreading from one city in Europe to the next. He dreams of the world he left behind, the world still trapped in a war it didn’t really understand the repercussions of. He dreams of the ice, too, sometimes, of being frozen and trapped.  
Tony dreams of energy, the potential and the danger. He dreams of bombs being made with his clean energy, more powerful and more dangerous than anything the world has ever seen. He dreams of his mechanical heart, running forever until someone takes it out.  
When they hold each other at night, neither sleeps.

9\. “One Day, Robots Will Cry” by Cobra Starship

_I'm back after all these years  
 _Don't be afraid my dear, now I'm older_ _

_'Cause people change, can't you see my eyes_  
 _Are they not the same after the lies?  
 _I know I'm like a machine  
 _But I still have dreams,__ _

_When you were a child, I was lost in the wild_  
 _But you built a home for me in the road  
 _I was born in the cold, turn up the heat I know one day we will__

_Sleep for days, come over, come over_  
 _I won't make the same mistakes  
 _Come over, come over, I'm dying not to hurt you  
 _In our dreams we can be complete  
 _If we go to sleep we can wake up home again__ __

Everyone’s different in the future, Steve knows that. But he also sees how much things are the same, how much people still care. He misses home, sure, thinks that if he goes to sleep, maybe he’ll wake up and be back there again. But this life, living in the apartment Tony built him, with the heat that goes up all the way, well, it’s not such a bad thing.  
“Do you ever think about how I was still frozen when you were a kid?” he asks, once, idle curiosity.  
“Only every day for my whole childhood,” Tony says, and smiles.

10\. “My Only One” by Amy MacDonald

_After all the mistakes have been and gone_  
 _You're still standing here, standing strong  
 _And I forgive all the wrongs that you have ever done  
 _Cos you're still the only one__ _

_The apple of your mother's eye_  
 _Your life it passed your father by  
 _I bet he wishes he was there too  
 _So much grace and poise yeah you're always right on cue__ _

_And there were times_  
 _You know it's true  
 _When the whole world  
 _Was looking at you  
 _They changed their mind from day to night  
 _One minute you're wrong then the next thing you're right  
 _God rest your soul  
 _Keep standing tall my only one______ _

Steve’s never sure how to feel, looking at Tony’s life. Tony never talks about it, but Steve’s read the file. A father with no time for him, a mother who loved him but never knew how to handle him. A life in the public eye, a celebrity from childhood. The partying as a young man. The carelessness later that allowed for war profiteering, then his attempts to stop it. Tony’s made mistakes in his life, and it’s visible in every line of his body, as well as his file. Yet, he’s still so strong, despite everything, and a good man.

11\. “Cigarettes and Chocolate” by Rufus Wainwright

_Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger  
 _A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me_ _

_And then there's those other things_  
 _Which for several reasons we won't mention  
 _Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger  
 _A little bit harder, a little bit deadly__ _

_You got to keep in the game_  
 _Retaining mystique while facing forward  
 _I suggest a reading of a lesson in tightropes  
 _Or surfing your high hopes or adios Kansas__ _

_I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish, a little bit_  
 _Tower of Pisa, whenever I see ya  
 _So please be kind if I'm a mess__

Tony’s a train wreck, and he’ll be the first to admit it. A good-looking one, who knows how to play it up for the cameras, but a train wreck all the same. He likes things that hurt him, things that make him crazy. The substance abuse, sure, the drugs, the drinking, the casual sex. But the battles in the suit, too. He does good in the world with the suit, but he loves it because it makes him fly. He walks a fine line and someday, he’s going to fall. He’s just not sure he wants caught when it happens.

12\. “The Only Exception” by Paramore

_When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry_  
 _And curse at the wind  
 _He broke his own heart and I watched  
 _As he tried to reassemble it__ _

_And my momma swore that_  
 _She would never let herself forget  
 _And that was the day that I promised  
 _I'd never sing of love if it does not exist__ _

_But darling, you are the only exception_

_Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul_  
 _That love never lasts  
 _And we've got to find other ways to make it alone  
 _Or keep a straight face__ _

_And I've always lived like this_  
 _Keeping a comfortable distance  
 _And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness  
 _Because none of it was ever worth the risk__ _

_But you are the only exception_

_I've got a tight grip on reality_  
 _But I can't let go of what's in front of me here  
 _I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up  
 _Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream__ _

Tony comes by his issues honestly, and that’s a fact. His father was a first-class dick, and sometimes Tony thought he cared more about finding stupid Captain America than spending time with his family. Tony’s mother popped Valium like candy, hated Howard but never left. That’s just how it was, Tony thought. Love wasn’t real, so either deal with the loneliness or let your heart get trampled on a daily basis. It just wasn’t worth the risk. Then Captain America makes a comeback into his life, and Tony thinks, this time around, he might be the exception to the rule.

13\. “Demons” by We the Living

_First impressions get you everywhere_  
 _Every time what I have found  
 _Is first words win the war__

_When I'm with you, half the time_  
 _I am in places you'll never know  
 _For all of the reasons that you've heard before  
 _This is war__ _

Tony doesn’t like to think of Afghanistan, but he stands by what he said there, demonstrating the Jericho. First impressions win wars before they can even get started. First words can make or break a battle. When he meets Steve, he comes on strong for this reason. Steve never backs down, though. Tony should have known, from all he’s heard about the man. Still, it plays its part: even after they stop fighting, there’s enough electricity running between them that it makes Tony think it’s only a matter of time before they give in and have sex. He can’t wait.

14\. “Perfect” by Simple Plan

_Hey dad look at me_  
 _Think back and talk to me  
 _Did I grow up according to plan?  
 _Do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?  
 _'Cuz it hurts when you disapprove all along  
 _And now I try hard to make it  
 _I just want to make you proud  
 _I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
 _I can't pretend that I'm alright  
 _And you can't change me________ _

_Nothing's gonna change the things that you said  
 _Nothing's gonna make this right again_ _

_I’m sorry I can't be perfect_

Tony’s always known his father was disappointed in him. Howard never said it out loud, but Tony could tell from the looks and the sighs, the way he never had enough time to look at the things Tony could do. “You’re wasting your time with toys, Anthony,” he would say, sometimes. Tony tried, always tried so hard to do what the man wanted, but it was never enough. He realized, eventually, that he would never be good enough for Howard Stark, but not before years of trying to please him. He’s dead now, anyway, so it doesn’t matter, not really.

15\. “We Are Pilots” by Shiny Toy Guns

_Holding close my secrets_  
 _Naked broken pieces  
 _-from the madness in what you do  
 _The fingers point right back at you  
 _What about my problems?  
 _The people try to solve them  
 _I guess I'm under the weather...  
 _Since no one else belongs here, with me______ _

_Hello mother,_  
 _Some news for you  
 _I'm really not that crazy.  
 _Hello father,  
 _I'm curious?  
 _Why you think there's something wrong with me.____ _

Tony knew he was different from an early age, and not just because he could do things other kids couldn’t. He didn’t see many kids, not until boarding school, but even before that he knew he wasn’t the same as them. They’d talk about him, sometimes, his parents, about what to do with him. He was confused, the first time he heard them talking about it like he wasn’t even in the room, like he couldn’t understand, because he knew there was nothing wrong with him. There really wasn’t, then, but for years afterward, he would be convinced there was.

16\. “Human” by the Killers

_Pay my respects to grace and virtue_  
 _Send my condolences to good  
 _Give my regards to soul and romance,  
 _They always did the best they could  
 _And so long to devotion  
 _You taught me everything I know  
 _Wave goodbye  
 _Wish me well..  
 _You've gotta let me go______ __

_Will your system be alright_  
 _When you dream of home tonight?  
 _There is no message we're receiving  
 _Let me know is your heart still beating__ _

Every night in the cave, Tony dreams of home. He dreams of his workshop, his bots, his greatest creations, abandoned in his lab. He dreams of JARVIS, reaches out in the darkness, trying to connect. He tries to send a message, sometimes, let them know where he is, that he’s not dead. He wonders if they think of him, sometimes, his friends, the humans and the machines. When that doesn’t take his mind off of where he is, he thinks of code instead, of JARVIS’s graceful programming. Grace under pressure, he thinks, and goes back to work on the suit.

17\. “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes

_She'll let you take her home_  
 _(It whets her appetite)  
 _She'll lay you on the throne  
 _She's got Bette Davis eyes__ _

_She'll take a tumble on you_  
 _Roll you like you were dice  
 _Until you come up blue  
 _She's got Bette Davis eyes__ _

_And she'll tease you_  
 _She'll unease you  
 _All the better just to please you  
 _She's precocious  
 _And she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush  
 _All the boys think she's a spy  
 _She's got Bette Davis eyes____ __

Toni’s a tease all the time, she’ll admit it gladly, but more to Steve than anyone else, because she likes how it makes him blush. “Wanna take me home, Cap?” she asks sometimes, making her eyes go half-lidded. “I could be good for you, make sure you like it.” He always stammers after that, some polite refusal that usually makes her laugh. He’s so precious, and Toni’s been doing this for years, but nothing gets to her quite like Steve’s innocence. That’s why she keeps trying, because she knows with everything in her that one day soon, he’ll say yes.

18\. “20 Dollar Nosebleed” by Fall Out Boy

_It feels like fourteen carats but no clarity_  
 _When I look at the man who would be king  
 _The man who would be king  
 _Goes to the desert the same war his dad rehearsed  
 _Came back with flags on coffins and said  
 _"We won, oh we won"____ _

Tony’s twenty-one when he takes over his father’s company and his legacy, starts fighting the wars Howard began, but it’s not until nearly two decades later that he realizes exactly what that means. He goes to the desert to show off his newest and best weapon, at the urging of his father’s best friend, the man Tony trusts completely. When he gets back, months later, worn and wounded, he thinks, fuck legacy. He thinks of the airmen who died in the attack meant for him, and knows this war has to end, and he’ll be the one to win it.

19\. “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance

_A world that sends you reeling_  
 _From decimated dreams  
 _Your misery and hate will kill us all__

_So paint it black_  
 _And take it back  
 _Let's shout it loud and clear  
 _Defiant to the end we hear the call__ _

_To carry on_

_On and on we carry through the fears_  
 _Disappointed faces of your peers  
 _Take a look at me  
 _'Cause I could not care at all__ _

_Do or die_  
 _You'll never make me  
 _Because the world  
 _Will never take my heart  
 _Go and try  
 _You'll never break me____ _

_I won't explain_  
 _Or say I'm sorry  
 _I'm unashamed  
 _I'm gonna show my scar  
 _Give a cheer  
 _For all the broken____ _

_I'm just a man  
 _I'm not a hero_ _

Tony gets the look a lot, the one that means, you’re such a disappointment and what were you even thinking? He doesn’t take that crap, though. He’s Tony Stark, and he doesn’t explain or apologize. He’s broken and he’s got the scars to prove it, but that doesn’t mean he’ll break. The fuckers in Afghanistan learned that the hard way. Tony does not break, he just fucks your shit up and makes you wish you’d never been born. He’s no hero, he knows, but he is a stubborn motherfucker and he does what needs to be done, no matter what.

20\. “Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance

_The boys and girls in the clique_  
 _The awful names that they stick  
 _You're never gonna fit in much, kid  
 _But if you're troubled and hurt  
 _What you got under your shirt  
 _Will make them pay for the things that they did____ _

Despite how completely awesome and cool Tony is now, he wasn’t always. He was a dorky little kid in boarding school, years younger and worlds smarter than anyone else. He got a lot of insults, then. Of course, now that Tony’s all grown up and Iron Man, more people talk about him than ever before. He knows Steve gets it, from being little and taking so much shit for it. They’re both stronger, now, but Tony never forgets being a teenager, and he knows Steve doesn’t, either. And if this fact happens to bring them together, well, that’s fine, too.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Oh, Tony: A Fanmix](https://archiveofourown.org/works/862246) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton)




End file.
